Today I am riding a rollercoaster between ecstatic gratitude and the crushing certainty that essentially, when all is said and done, I suck. What would happen if I was grateful for my essential suckiness? Oh, I could go get all kinds of Pema Chodron with that, but I'm too tired.What I want to know is, do YOU, my rapt multitudes, also essentially, certainly suck? With this question in mind, I ping-poinged through my day.
Today the dog ate an entire loaf of "artisan" raisin/pecan bread. Nothing left but the bag, and a soggy heel that I discovered (to my dismay) under the couch. I was really looking forward to that bread. Asshole. And don't you tell me it's no good telling a dog he's an asshole and waving sad tattered ex-artisan-raisin-bread bags at them. There are very few beings in my life that I can shout and wave garbage at who will only look at me sadly and hang their heads. It's one of the many things I appreciate about our dog.
I will end my day trying to relax despite the 30-foot (I am not exaggerating) paper chain coiled like a festive anaconda on the couch, the despicable state of my brand new beautiful kitchen floor, and the always-regenerating certainty that I suck.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Soldiering on...
Okay, I have come to the realization that I will never become the voice of irreverent, cynical, bewildered mothers everywhere if I don't actually post on my blog. Mostly because I am most brilliant and inspired at 10:00 at night when the fu@!ing laptop is the last place I want to be. So, I will try to take time at the fu@!ing laptop in the sober daylight and just take the brilliance on faith.
So, I soldier on with sharing the latest installment in my parenting-on-the-fly adventures.
Here's one of my new favorite bands: http://www.myspace.com/haberdasheryband. Don't know why the MySpace page is "haberdasheryband" because the are called "All the Apparatus" and they are awesome. So awesome that I decide to share my newly discovered jewel with my girl. Newly discovered, and not keenly listened to. The song about the funny magician? "Hocus pocus alacazam, abracadabra we have a cadaver". Ooops. Okay, how about "Let's go Ride Bikes"? Innocent enough. "Your mother got a divorce from your fa-a-ther. They told you it wasn't your fault but it was! Because you get bad grades." Yikes. Next up, "Lobsterface McGee". "The ug-li-est pirate, that you ever did see" "One hand was a horses hoof, the other was a claw -grown men took one look at him and whimpered for their Ma." Now, that's a family sing along!
Which brings me to a moral dilemma: Are hilarious lyrics like "I'm so glad to be here with you, on our pleasure cruise to the bottom of the sea", her assurance that her mental health is not in good hands, or a valuable lesson in humor's power to change perspective?
I suppose it's a moot point, because she just told me that All the Apparatus is creepy and gives her nightmares. I guess she finally deciphered "My moldy soul is a jelly roll of hatefulness and spite" (Genius!). Oh well, it's good music for cleaning the kitchen.
Hey, speaking of jelly rolls, here's my Awesome! mom idea of the week.
One can of "croissants" (you know, the ones that come in a tube and are basically biscuits rolled flat and cut into triangles?)
One jar of jelly
One child (or children)
Peel the tube
Let child wack with spoon so it goes "POP!" and bursts open. Always exciting.
Separate triangles onto not-the-cookie sheet they will bake on
Let child smear with jelly and roll them up, or fold them, or turn them into funny pockets
Do damage control before placing on baking sheet (sop us excess oozing jelly that will run onto the cookie sheet and burn, reinforce the funny pockets will open and leak out all the jelly and cause heartbreak)
Fish wrapper out of the garbage so you can follow the baking instructions
Give yourself an "Awesome!" badge!
So, I soldier on with sharing the latest installment in my parenting-on-the-fly adventures.
Here's one of my new favorite bands: http://www.myspace.com/haberdasheryband. Don't know why the MySpace page is "haberdasheryband" because the are called "All the Apparatus" and they are awesome. So awesome that I decide to share my newly discovered jewel with my girl. Newly discovered, and not keenly listened to. The song about the funny magician? "Hocus pocus alacazam, abracadabra we have a cadaver". Ooops. Okay, how about "Let's go Ride Bikes"? Innocent enough. "Your mother got a divorce from your fa-a-ther. They told you it wasn't your fault but it was! Because you get bad grades." Yikes. Next up, "Lobsterface McGee". "The ug-li-est pirate, that you ever did see" "One hand was a horses hoof, the other was a claw -grown men took one look at him and whimpered for their Ma." Now, that's a family sing along!
Which brings me to a moral dilemma: Are hilarious lyrics like "I'm so glad to be here with you, on our pleasure cruise to the bottom of the sea", her assurance that her mental health is not in good hands, or a valuable lesson in humor's power to change perspective?
I suppose it's a moot point, because she just told me that All the Apparatus is creepy and gives her nightmares. I guess she finally deciphered "My moldy soul is a jelly roll of hatefulness and spite" (Genius!). Oh well, it's good music for cleaning the kitchen.
Hey, speaking of jelly rolls, here's my Awesome! mom idea of the week.
One can of "croissants" (you know, the ones that come in a tube and are basically biscuits rolled flat and cut into triangles?)
One jar of jelly
One child (or children)
Peel the tube
Let child wack with spoon so it goes "POP!" and bursts open. Always exciting.
Separate triangles onto not-the-cookie sheet they will bake on
Let child smear with jelly and roll them up, or fold them, or turn them into funny pockets
Do damage control before placing on baking sheet (sop us excess oozing jelly that will run onto the cookie sheet and burn, reinforce the funny pockets will open and leak out all the jelly and cause heartbreak)
Fish wrapper out of the garbage so you can follow the baking instructions
Give yourself an "Awesome!" badge!
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